An End and A New Beginning

It has been over 1 whole year since my last blog entry...so much has happened since my last blog post that I’m actually considering deleting my blog and starting all over again. My life has changed so drastically that looking back at the “old” me almost doesn't make any sense any more. I’m a different person now, I've been through so much that I don’t know where to begin…..I need to start somewhere so I’m starting here….right in the middle of everything….

After the Breaking Dawn party in my last post, my  life got pretty busy with work and more fertility treatments. So much has changed since I became a mom to my triplets in a crowded operating room 5 months ago on October 11, 2012. They were only 24 weeks old. My surviving daughter Hokule'a Ch'inibaa' is 5 months old today and is thriving. Her 'adjusted' age is actually calculated to the triplets' due date of January 28, 2013 so developmentally and physically she is medically considered to be about 1 month and 11 days old.

She is absolutely my sunshine through the terrible storm we are only beginning to recover from.

As I  buried my two new born sons this past December 2012, I can’t help but reflect on how it all started 10 years ago, on December 28, 2002 when I was married for time and eternity to my best friend in the Laie, Hawaii Temple.

 

I always thought that we’d have children right away; in fact we were planning on it. But as the years and countless doctors’ visits passed, I became accustomed to the idea of just being an awesome auntie to my nieces and nephews. We began to save for fertility treatments, but always in the back of my mind I figured we’d end up adopting. I was fine either way….we’d end up being a mommy and daddy in the end anyway.

After exhausting all other resources we were finally referred to an outside specialist. At which point I was placed on various meds that made me sick and was introduced to my nightly visits from Mr. Syringe.

After months of injections and years of disappointing results, I didn't think I could take it anymore. We decided to try just one more time and then begin the process for adoption.

 

And then it happened…..

It was only a couple weeks following our last procedure but I took two at home pregnancy tests anyway. I remember staring in disbelief at the positive pregnancy reading and the shock I felt when the doctor’s blood test confirmed I was pregnant.

I began to realize why all of a sudden I would stop seeing my girlfriends at church only to find out weeks later that they were pregnant. Frequent bathroom trips, aversions to practically all foods and not being able to keep anything down made the days go by so slow. The days leading up to our 4 week ultra sound seemed like an eternity.

Nothing could have prepared me for our first ultrasound. I held my breath as we immediately saw 2 blinking dots on the monitor…and then a third….

3 heartbeats….3 little blobs on the monitor blaring back at me…This was going to be no ordinary pregnancy.

Scotty squeezed my hand and all I could say was “wow”. My heart dropped as I looked at our doctor’s face. “Please don’t thank me…” He said “this is not good news.”

My mind began to race as the doctor explained why I was so sick...due to the triple amount of hormones coursing through my body. He explained that there is a high risk of mortality with having triplets as 1 in 10 triplet pregnancies will end in termination (losing all three babies) before week 24

(1 in 100 for twins) and a 70% chance the triplets would be born prematurely (prior to week 28). Most Triplets are born on average on the  29th week of the pregnancy.

He then strongly suggested that we consider "selective reduction".

Selective REDUCTION?! I couldn't even wrap my mind around the concept....how could I choose which heartbeat to eliminate? My mind was a blur as he explained that even though selective reduction wouldn't change the 1 in 10 statistic it could help the surviving babies to stay "in utero" longer if they survive the reduction procedure.

So statistically speaking there was pretty much nothing we could do to increase the odds of our triplets staying in utero longer, the babies would come when they would come......I looked at Scotty and we both knew that we were not going to be selecting any sort of reduction. No matter the outcome we were going to see this through. We've waited too long for these little heartbeats.

There was no keeping my condition a secret from my coworkers as I frequently excused myself to the restroom and dragged myself to work each day. It got so bad that I had to call in sick for several days. I was referred back to my regular OB who  prescribed strong anti nausea medication (usually used for cancer patients undergoing radiation treatments) and placed on bed rest.

BED REST?! hmmm that didn't sound so bad as I was SO EXHAUSTED...it might even be fun. I imagined blissfully laying around in my pajamas everyday watching my favorite k-dramas, catching up on sleep and reading books all day long while everyone else slaved away at their jobs. It sounds like a dream but quickly turned into a repetitive nightmare. Each day dragged on and on to seemingly no end as my belly grew. It was so surreal...on one hand I was so excited to finally be getting what I've dreamt of all these years while on the other was this sort impending doom as I went to my doctors' visits for high risk pregnancy. As the days went by and the walls on our tiny 1 bedroom apartment in Honolulu started closing in on me, I became more and more depressed. I would lay in bed for hours just staring at the ceiling between throwing up into the trash can beside my bed.

My Relief Society Sisters dropped off meals and came to clean. Phone calls and visits from family and friends  were a such a bright light in my gloomy world. But as soon as they left or hung up I was again left in what felt like a never ending darkness. I tried to be happy and prayed to be positive but I couldn't get out of the terrible funk that I was in. My dear husband was my life raft in the swirling world around me. He would hold me tight and literally kept me together. He gave me the strength to continue on. I was so excited to be a mom...FINALLY after all these years, but the Doctors' outlook was not good. My joy was overcome with worry. I was hoping and praying to get the babies here safely, but was terrified about how I was going to care for THREE babies.

At week 22 I went in for a routine ultrasound to find that my cervix was dilated with the first baby's membranes (amniotic sack) already coming through. Since I was "hour glassing" they rushed me up to labor and delivery where I spend an excruciating night on a hospital bed with my feet elevated higher than my head. They thought the babies were going to come that night. 

Amazingly, I made it to 24 weeks and 3 days in the hospital and we were unable to stave off labor   for as long as possible. I was in labor for almost 40 hours before they were able to give me an epidural. At which point I gave birth to my babies on the birthday of my late brother Joseph McCombs, October 11, 2012. 

Helakoa Joseph Hovey (Baby "A")was my first, born just after midnight. He passed away in daddy Scotty's arms 2 hours later. Luckily my cervix closed long enough to buy my other two babies a few more hours inside the womb.

At 9:45 am, Hokule'a Chinibaa Hovey was born with Nahoa Natani Hovey following both via C-section delivery. We were so happy to hear both of them cry, sounding like little kitty cats. At the time the doctors had assumed I had given birth to 3 boys since that's what they saw in the ultrasounds. Several hours later they discovered baby "B" was actually a girl. "Baby boy B" was now going to be Hokule'a. We were so excited to have a boy and a girl. But Heavenly Father had another plan for us. baby boy "C"- Nahoa - passed away and joined his brother Helakoa.

We love all three of our babies and are overjoyed to have little Hoku-girl with us. Hoku is living up to her Navajo name Ch'inibaa' ("she came out fighting") and is a strong sweet girl.

 Words cannot completely capture our whole experience of welcoming our little ones to the world and then sending two back to Heavenly Father. Through this experience I have learned that God is REAL. That He answers prayers and that there are people who love and care about us. Through this experience I actually FELT people's prayers surrounding us and supporting us and I am left grateful and a better person because of these experiences. I love my boys and hope to better record my short meetings with them.