A lot can change in a few short weeks....

So around this time last month I was on such a high from working out EVERY day. I felt motivated, inspired and was making slow steady progress and actually lost 5 pounds! Today, I don't even want to look at a scale. I KNOW I've probably gained back the weight loss and then some....I can tell my clothes aren't as loose and I am feeling heavy, tired, drained and kinda down. So, once again I've crashed and burned and am left picking up the pieces to regroup and start yet AGAIN.

So what happened?

1. My work schedule changes week to week. I'm an analyst for a  support department at a local Bank and our office hours are 7 days a week since the branches are open 7 days a week. We have to be available to assist the employees 30 minutes before the first branch opens and 30 minutes after the last branch closes. So our team works on a rotating schedule. For the three weeks I was working out everyday in February my schedule was Monday-Friday 10:30 am to 7:30 pm. My schedule made it easy for me to get into the gym, shower and head off to work each day. Plus we had each Saturday to plan a hike. The past few weeks my schedule changed to working 7am- 4pm on some days, 9am-6pm other days and wired hours in between working weekends with my day off during the week. So my schedule went all crazy and my work outs were the first casualty of my schedule with my meal planning becoming non-existent right after.

2. I haven't been planning my meals ahead of time so the morning times are a mad dash to the door to get to the bus stop to make it on time to work so I've been grabbing what ever I can to eat which is the stuff that is not so good for me like chips and buying what ever I can at the places around work. On Thursday night the other week we had the Tsunami watch because of the earthquake in Japan and the sirens were going off every hour all night long (and me trying not to freak out too much) that I didn't really think about packing my lunch when I had to report to work the next day at 7 am with only 2 hours of sleep.....yeah we were all zombies at work and our office called in for pizza that day and needless to say I didn't work out. On a good note- we were all prepared for the tsunami with food and water and our gas tank was full so there was no rushing to the store to buy necessities like everyone else was doing. So glad for our emergency preparedness. My in-laws and nieces were evacuated out of their area and spent the night with us and we were all thankful for being safe and protected.

3. I'm discovering that I am an emotional eater. After seeing the devastation in Japan, I am reminded of my blessings and am very thankful for the things I have in my life. The devastation puts my problems in perspective. But as I reflect on the prophecies of the last days I have to admit it gives me lots of anxiety about the unknown circumstances of the future. I see how important it is to be prepared and how having faith can overcome fear of the unknown. I've noticed that when I feel anxious or worried then I eat. My job can get stressful as I pretty much deal with problems all day. More recently I have been trying to pay attention to how I am feeling when I feel the urge to eat- it has been an interesting exercise for me as I've noticed that I want to eat almost ALL the time! Even shortly after I've eaten a filling meal. I've been keeping a little journal next to me and when I feel like eating something, I wait 10 minutes. I think about what I am feeling, where I'm feeling it and what I am thinking at the time. Most of the time I am feeling anxious or worried about something. As I wait the 10 minutes and deal with what I'm feeling the desire to eat usually subsides and I can continue on my day.  I'm noticing that I am more aware of my urges and try and give myself time to think about what is the real issue going on. However, when you are obsessing about the fresh made brownies a co- worker has brought to work sometimes it's easier to just eat the food to get the obsession over with. These small moments are helping me to work harder at "eating to live rather than living to eat" which is challenging and brings me to my next point....

4. Weight loss is more mental than physical.Pretty much all day long, I have this little voice inside my head reminding me of all the ways that I fall short.Of all the things I havent' accomplished and all the ways in which I don't measure up. I just finished this awesome book called "Women Food and God" where the author talks about this "inner voice". While I don't really care for some of the language Geneen Roth uses in her book, I appreciate the great points that she brings across about how our relationship with food can be a reflection on how we feel about ourselves and how we view our relationship with God.

  While there has been some great discussion about where the inner voice comes from, some say traumatic experiences, parents etc. I personally feel that it is part of over coming the natural man and women within us. Most likely the voice comes from past experiences that we've somehow internalized but I think it's also a manifestation of our deepest darkest fears mixed in with lies that the adversary would like us to believe. I think that this internal voice can either be a driving force to make us better or we can allow it to debilitate us. I'm realising that I've developed a habit over the years of listening to my doubts and fears which I think I've been interpreting as permission to allow myself to give up. With the excuse that I can't change or I'm unable to lose weight. I've allowed myself to loose focus and have let life distract me which then creates a domino affect causing all the hard work I've put in to come crashing down around me.  I've stopped keeping track, stopped planning my exercise and food and thus have foolishly tried to not be accountable to ME! ugh....it's time to wake up and start doing what I know I need to be doing.....

What am I gonna do about it?

1. Plan plan PLAN! I want to be diligent in preparing each day before the next. I SHOULD be able to do this. I don't have any small children and I just have to worry about me and my hubby. I'm gonna try harder starting now to not procrastinate so much. I read a tip recently to keep yourself motivated to exercise is to schedule to exercise on your busiest day of the week and commit to do it. Then you'll prove to yourself that if you can exercise on a busy day you should be able to every other day.

2. Be honest with myself. No one has ever forced me to eat something I didn't want to eat. I've put this weight on myself one bite, and one lazy moment, one unhealthy choice at a time. Yes there is DEFINITELY chemistry, hormones and emotions involved. But I have the choice to do with my life what I want to or in other words I have the choice of what to put in my mouth and what physical or non-physical activities to participate in. Heavenly Father has given me this beautiful body to use but it comes with areas that I need to tame and discipline which in the long run will bring me joy. One thing I've learned is that overeating does NOT bring happiness. You might enjoy the moment but once it's gone, you are either uncomfortably full and disgusted at yourself or both. I went to dinner with a friend a few weeks ago to this Italian restaurant that serves fresh made and UNLIMITED Bread balls dripping with garlic and butter.....

I couldn't stop putting them in my mouth!!!! ACTUALLY (in Honesty) I chose to gorge myself on them cuz they just tasted so yummy and I wanted to keep eating them. I ended up so sick to my stomach that I couldn't fall asleep then ended up in a carbohydrate coma that resulted in a puffy-faced-sore-tummy-me-that-had-to-go-to-work-at-7am-in-the-morning me. Don't even get me started on how many trips to the bathroom were needed the next day! ugh...why did I ever do that to myself? Yeah a few butter garlic balls is great but you CAN have too much of a yummy thing!

3. Be kind to myself. I am NOT perfect! No one is! Each moment that passes by I am given a chance to change how I was even a second ago. I need to embrace those moments and allow myself to change. To remind myself of what is really important. Because old habits die hard I need to show patience and love to myself as I would a close friend.

4. Keep starting over. Just because I "messed up" doesn't mean that I blew it and that there is no way back. I can start over beginning now. I'm trying to break my habit of saying "I'll start again tomorrow or when such and such happens...." and instead say "I'm going to start NOW to.....".

5. Seek out motivation and stay positive. I LOVE watching the Biggest Loser. It is so motivational. I love talking to my friends and family who are so supportive. Reading other people's blogs and seeing how others have overcome their daily struggles is AWESOME and helps me remember that I am not alone in my day-to-day struggles as I know we all have them. I love reading success stories and finding new ways to reach my goals. However, I've watched everyone else and have thought "Wow, they are amazing....I can never be like that...." I need to stick with it and train myself to see the good in myself and hopefully little by little I'll start to believe in myself. Easier said than done....I totally know....so I need to......

6. Pray. I am so grateful for my parents and family and the church for teaching me that no matter what, Heavenly Father is always there. I can talk to Him anytime, any place and He is there. The last couple of weeks, with my schedule getting so crazy with life happening, I've forgotten my daily chats with Heavenly Father. Most importantly I need to remember to schedule my time with Him mainly because it will help ME. Geneen Roth talks about meditation in her book and I always thought that would be so cool to be one of those people who gets up early in the morning to sit quietly and reflect on the meaning of life with my legs crossed and eyes closed. I love the idea of emptying your mind and allowing peace to flow into you, but if you know me it's amazing when I'm paying attention long enough to figure out what you're saying as I'm pretty much on the go ALL THE TIME.

But I forget that praying IS meditating. Heavenly Father is willing to listen to all my jabbering until I can get it all out. He has the patience to listen without interrupting and wait for me to figure out the things I'm thankful for and to recognize the blessings in my life and then he allows me to ask Him for all the desires of my heart. And EVERY time, EVERY day and EVERY moment He actually blesses me! The blessings may not come in the time or form I want but it's what I NEED. Those quiet moments with Him help me to figure it all out and I find that I can read all the self help books I can, write all the plans out that I am physically able but it doesn't come close to being able to place my burdens at His feet. He and Jesus Christ LOVE me and want me to be happy. They have provided a way for me to restart my journey over and over through the choices I make each day and have given me the tools I need to succeed. It is so simple so why does it seem so hard sometimes? Guess I better keep praying :o)