REALLY REALLY DEPRESSED.
I have never been in a more darker place emotionally, physically, and spiritually than during that time period of my whole life.
There were many factors that lead to my mental state of that difficult and most scary time I've ever experienced. It didn't help that I was physically miserable with what seemed to be every pregnancy symptom there is, ending with a three week hospital stay, extremely early delivery of my babies and the loss of my two sons.
It was an unusual and heartbreaking pregnancy experience to say the least, but I somehow survived it. I don't know if I'm stronger after going through that experience, but I survived
What begin my trek back from the awful abyss of my depression is my little miracle. Hokule'a. My surviving triplet. My beautiful daughter who came out fighting.
I've gotten so much better even though it's been a daily struggle. I've come so far and have made amazing progress as I have witnessed amazing miracles and felt the tender blessings from my Heavenly Father.
When I broke my leg, my biggest fear was going back to that awful depressed place. As I laid on the soft dirt on our hiking trail, and waited for the paramedics to arrive, my heart sank as I imagined tugging through another set back.....how would I get through this?
I asked my husband for a Priesthood Blessing. I was immediately comforted as he placed his hands on my head. Suddenly, my little Hoku's smiling face flashed in my memory and I had a feeling come over me that it was going to be okay. It was going to hurt, it would suck big time, but time would eventually pass and I would somehow get through this too.
Well, fast forward two months and eight days and I am still alive! I have not been swallowed up into some endless black hole. It has been miserable but I'm getting through it!!!!
What's different about this experience is that I've worked hard to stay positive and I've relied heavily on the people around me. My husband (the most), family, friends, and doctors have supported me through this. It's taken me over two months to finally feel like I can talk about it but I'm able to reflect back and see that it really does get better with time. I'm still not fully recovered but I'm a week away from getting the "official" go ahead and try to walk from my doctor. (my appointment is next week !)
I've had hard times everyday. I've cried and cried. I've been angry. I've hated the world. I've wanted to die. I've just laid in bed staring at the ceiling. I've asked why me? I've felt like a miserable failure. This has been me most days.
I've also had good times everyday. I've had people show how much they love me. I've had great medical care. I've been so thankful for so many things: wheelchairs- so I can carry my 18 month old around the apartment, painkillers, people willing to help, my family and friends, the Internet, NetFlix, Frozen, Elevators, and to know that this is something temporary.
Most importantly I've seen how Hoku is just fine. Even though I can't do all the things I want to do with her right now, she is okay. She is thriving and developing and I'm not ruining her for the rest of her life (at least not because of my broken ankle anyway).
Hoku's had lots of screen time and that's ok.
I've appreciated the little things I've taken for granted my whole life, like taking a shower. A wonderful friend has sent me a waterproof sleeve for my leg and it is so much easier than using tape and a trash bag.
When I saw my ankle and leg for the first time after my surgery I was shocked
and so happy it wasn't worse
And glad that I still had a leg and that I didn't break anything else.
I am so thankful for modern innovations which allowed me to have a boot rather than a full cast.
I can't walk on my foot but I can take off the boot.
And SHAVE my hairy leg. (This was heaven for me)
aaaaannnnd it was nice to be able to move my leg and foot around a bit. It's not an ideal situation but I'm getting through it and I am so grateful for everyone who has rallied around me.
And for my Hoku who has been so understanding without knowing it.
No comments:
Post a Comment